The Fear Factor

Are there things you should be doing or want to be doing but just can't get yourself to do?

There is this thing in my life.
I want it. I want to do it. I want to be it. I want it to describe me.
But it's overwhelming.
At times in a good way, at times in a hard way, and in times just too much to carry.

This thing is facing me right now.
It's knocking on my door, not pushy or demanding, but knocking.
And I know I'm going to answer the door.
I know I want to let it in.
But memories and other attachments to this thing give me pause.

It's hard.
This thing is hard!
It requires faith
and waiting
and patience
and dealing with other people who do not "get" this thing.
It's even a little scary.
It's full of the unknown.

But it's also full of good.
And full of hope
and joy
and excitement
and jesus.

Why is it so hard for you to get moving on these things? What struggles are you facing  -- and how do you overcome them to continue on? What advice do you have for others who need to take that step? What can you share with me?

on snuggling

I mentioned awhile back that I'd regrettably not snuggled enough with my son. Since then, at every nap and bedtime opportunity, I've been adding a little snuggle time to our routine. Sometimes he just wants to sit and snuggle. Sometimes we sing silly songs (anyone else completely over the itsy bitsy spider?) or my favorite hymns. Sometimes we pray.

Last night, during our snugglefest, I was telling Asher how much his Mommy loves him.
And how much his Dada loves him.
And his friends and grandparents and aunts and uncles love him.
And even people he's never actually met.
We all love him.

But our loves pale in comparison to the One who loves him.
The One who created him.
The One who dreamed up those long eyelashes,
those wild little curls,
his chubby hands,
his very busy feet,
and put them all together perfectly.
Knit together, piece by perfect piece, into this precious child that I have the honor of loving, too.

In those quiet moments of rest, where Asher looks into my eyes, takes deep breaths, and rests in my arms, I am reminded of the Father's desire for all his children to seek His face,
to bask in His great love,
and to rest in His arms.
No singing necessary,
no prayers to be said.
Just breathing in His righteousness
and resting in His strong and open arms.

Waiting :: Suddenly

A while back I wrote a post about waiting.

Tonight I heard some good news. My sweet friend had been waiting to see two pink lines.

And she did.

Then I stumbled upon this post from this blog and it all made sense.

I challenge you to share this with someone today.

You know someone who needs it!

if you're waiting...

It's no secret that I keep a prayer journal. Well, maybe it was unknown to you, but it's not anymore. I often go back through and have myself a little looksie. Today, I wanted to see what I was praying about a year ago. We'd already received our referral, but we still hadn't heard a court date I don't think. When we did receive our court date, I was terribly upset because it was so far away. Most of the families with referrals right around ours had much closer court dates, and we were in for a long wait. I had been studying about worship and what true worship meant, and how we can worship through any situation in our life. I stumbled across an entry during this time period, and it made me think of some of you who are waiting. So I'm going to gird  myself in bold courage, and share some of my deepest moments with the Lord. 

March 11, 2009

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. --Psalm 27:14

You say, I choose the appointed time; it is I who judge uprightly." --Psalm 75:2

It is 54 days until our court date for Elyas, Lord and I am choosing to wait for you. I will be strong. I will put my hope in you; in you who deserve all my faith. I will praise you because You are strong. You can handle my issues. Father, it is you who is in charge of time. Your timing is perfect. You choose the perfect time. Your judgment is righteous. I trust you, God, and you alone. I give you this boy and his life and his future. They always have been and always will be yours. You remember him. You love him. You protect him. 

You, Lord, are full of glory. You sit on a throne of praise. You are holy, so holy. You are God. You deserve praise and are worthy of our worship. We worship you alone. We repent to prepare our hearts for time with you. 

Thank you for your peace. Lord, I know we could not have made it this far without you. Thank you for providing an agency and social workers. Thank you for our beautiful son, and the promise of family. Thank you for adoption, both in our family and into yours. Father, I am so excited to go on this journey with you. I am excited to see where you want to take this family and how we'll see you work in the world. I pray Lord that I always give you the glory. PRAISE YOU GOD for all that you've done. PRAISE YOU for all that you're going to do. We praise you because of who you are. 

For those of you waiting for referrals, for court, or that short wait to travel --

be strong

take heart

and know that Lord is never late. 

He is never surprised by the outcomes of court. 

He is never unaware of how you feel. 

He never forgets your child. 

The Lord longs to be gracious to you; 

he rises to show you compassion.

For the Lord is a God of justice.

Blessed are all who wait for him!

                      -- Isaiah 30:18

confession

I have a confession. I cheated. Well, kinda cheated. Mostly ignored.

I cheated and ignored you. That's got to be the worst.

I can explain.

You see, for years I watched-oogled-followed-stalked adoption blogs. I am not kidding. I'm pretty sure I am half of the earlier hits on Micah's, Deacon's, and Silas' pages. No joke. These boys just got me all giddy. Then I started finding other pages. And I was hooked.

So I lived vicariously through these pages. And then I finally made one. Bold, I know, after months of stalking.  And then I became even braver {is that a word?} and actually started leaving comments. And after loads of comments, people read my blog! It was thrilling. I would watch the number of hits get bigger and bigger. Thrilling. Really.

It was amazing to be connected to so many others who actually understood what I was feeling, what each step of the process was like. And then it was time. We were actually leaving. We were actually going to Ethiopia to meet our son.

I'd decided that if I was going to be stuck at home all the time {all that cocooning frightened me!} that I was going to have to fix some stuff up here at home. So that's what I did. And a friend turned me on to another kind of blog. Housey blogs. About all sorts of stuff --- that I love --- and so my addiction wandered.

Last night as I was lying in bed with a headache, far from sleep, I thought about this blogging community. I thought about how much I owe you. About the thousands of thank yous I should send because you sustained me through one of the longest periods of longing in my life. You welcomed me into your homes, your families, your own experiences with open arms. You advised me. You appreciated me. You loved me.

Many of you did more. We're regular friends. Not just friends on facebook, but actual friends. We've hung out. We've hugged.

And some of you, a few special ones of you loved on my son before I could. You whispered sweet secrets of his family, of the love we had already, of our coming. You kissed his cheeks. You held his hand. You sent me pictures. You told me stories. You filled the gaps for me.

While I may have wandered, I will never leave you. You are part of us, part of our history, part of our family. We need to remain for those yet to go, for those looking to find, and for when we return again.

Thank you.

simple prayer request

A while back, Justin and I volunteered in the children's department at our church. We worked with second graders specifically and at the end of the lesson, asked for prayer requests. Of course when working with children, these requests often vary from my dog is sick to the inevitable "let me get lots of good candy at Halloween and not the bad kind" and sometimes, you receive the really heartfelt request of a child who asks for a happier mom or a new job for daddy, or even a baby brother or sister.

We worked in the program long enough to develop relationships with some of the regular kids. The ones who cause trouble are usually the first you connect with, as was the case with Fischer. He was really busy, had a lot to say, and could top any story you had. But he was precious and I prayed that someday all that energy would be used for the Lord. Along with knowing the kids, you also begin to let them know you. Children are full of questions. Full full full. We were always asked if we had children, and many of them had come to understand that we hoped to adopt from Ethiopia.

The program had started having the kids right down their requests instead of verbalizing them, and the leaders then took them home to pray about them. I really preferred hearing them in class because sometimes, you just need a good laugh. But I collected the cards each week and shoved them into my Bible for later perusal.

Last week I was doing some fall closet cleaning and stumbled across the little pocket Bible Justin sent me when I first moved to Dallas. Inside were tucked three little prayer cards. The first asked for no rain for soccer games, another pet emergency, and lastly, the sweetest request I'd ever received:

"I hope your son stay in your heart forever."

4-20-08

Long before you were here, and before we even knew who you were, you've been dreamed of, longed for, prayed over, and loved.

court outcome

We received a call from our case worker, Julie, today that our birthmother was unable to attend our court hearing. This means we've been postponed until she can make it to court to testify. It looks as if this is going to postpone our travel to Ethiopia and our little guy about another month -- mid or late June. This was hard news to hear. Indeed, this has been the toughest day of our adoption journey. 

Instead we are choosing to focus on our dear friends, The Hulls, who are traveling in less than two weeks. They are precious people who are sure to love on our little bear and tell him we're coming for him as soon as we can. 

ho hum

My best friend, Christina, drove through downtown last week during the International Festival. She told me all about how Ethiopia was on her left and it was so bright and colorful. Right across the street from Ethiopia was the place you go to meet up with your lost kiddos or find them if they get separated. Christina said it was such a fun thing to see, "Right next to Ethiopia was a big sign that read 'Find Your Children Here' -- because that's what you're doing!"  Doesn't God have a fun sense of humor.

God also has a desire to be our stronghold in hard times. I have been so blessed to not be sad or depressed or too anxious about our referral (way back when!) or even our court date (next Monday!) and I am so thankful for that. But lately, I have found my own struggle in the adoption world: updates.

There have been several families to travel since our referral, all pledging to do their best to look in on our boy. I understand that there are lots of things to prevent that. I understand. Really I do. It's been nice to hear from other families that our boy does indeed exist and that he is well loved. I just really wish someone could tell me something about him. It is so hard to hear again and again that people didn't see him or that he was sleeping in another room. It's even harder to read the updates of children on other family blogs about how their children are smiling and growing and giggling -- or rolling and crawling and walking. I know our little boy is young and not doing a lot, but I just wish that we had something to hold on to. During this complaining and griping is when the Savior reminds me to hold on to Him. 

things around here

Tonight I sat with a friend in our nursery-hopeful. She and I talked about paint colors and how strange it will be for a baby to finally be there. It was a good time.

Hubband is currently working a stretch of night shifts (10pm-6am) and I am spliting the time between his schedule and a really late version of a normal schedule. You know, waking at lunch time? We've also been taking turns being sick. Or out of town. Good stuff. Anyway. If only we could get somewhat consistent or routine we could manage.

I really appreciate those of you who are still checking in on me. It's really encouraging and uplifting to hear from you. And I definately need it! I am making a pact, right now (at 3:21 am, and whenever you are reading this) to start the final two steps within 10 days. So please, if you read this, check in with me and keep me accountable to our little one who waits for us. I can't explain it, because for so long I have been so desperate, and yet lately I have felt almost cold towards our journey. I'm not sure if the Lord has been giving me a gracious vacation where other things occupy my mind or what, been it has been strangely far away. The rest has been good but I am ready to go on.

March on!

halt on all progress

I've been in and out of town all this past week. It certainly did not help me feel any better and so I am still sick. When I returned back home, I had a visual stack of emails in my inbox from our new social worker. Let's just say that none of it was good news.

There are several things missing from the homestudy and we'll need to redo so many things. At this point, it's like we've lost the last four months. It's actually like we're starting completely over.

I know that we will have a baby.

It just seems so far away.
And to be honest, it's incredibly hard watching others continue to start after us and pass us, finish paperchasing, climb up waitlists, and accept referrals.
I may need to take a sabatical from the blog community for a while.

Learning to really lean on Him.

another little bump

Martha at AGCI called to say that she had our homestudy in hand for review. We have a speedbump though because there was some paperwork between our homestudy agency and adoption agency that wasn't processed, but everyone has been notified and they are taking care of things now. Martha said she'd go ahead and review it while they are working on those other contracts, so at least this won't push us back.

This is a great time to be reminded that adoption is about waiting. I had a conversation with a friend/relative today about waiting. In the last year, my husband and I have done our fair share of waiting. We were waiting for the city to start a new academy class, to start the adoption process, to get health insurance, to see an answer to prayer, to see direction in finding a new church home...I mean, the list goes on! But I was explaining in that conversation today that waiting is the perfect time to learn from the Lord. While we've been waiting I've really been learning about fulfillment from the Lord instead of the zillion other places we're constantly trying to find it. While this season of waiting has sometimes seemed woefully long and painful, it has been graciously full of growth and insight into the mind and heart of Christ. I know that our wait for adoption is only starting. And I know that in essence, we spend our entire Christian lives waiting for our spirit to catch up to it's potential or for Jesus to come back, but I am so glad that we can have these teaching seasons.

So, even though we had a little bummer today, I could not stop grinning because I received two pictures in the mail today. My grandmother has been busily working away at our baby bedding -- just worried to no end that we're not going to like it when it's finished and "we'll have to throw the whole thing out!" Well, I called her and put that to rest because I L-O-V-E it!!! It is so fun! Justin even said it was cool, "cool enough even for not the baby...like for other stuff" -- which is good because we have so much material that it's going to be everywhere! Anyone need a bib or blankie that matches our bedding? : )

news

Well, Monday morning I received a phone call from my mother that my aunt had died. While this seems so very sad, it is definately a huge blessing to both my aunt and the rest of my family. She has been very sick with arthritis and Alzheimers Disease for years. But now her body and her mind are both completely restored in the kingdom of God and she is happy to be with those who have gone before her.

Needless to say that Monday (and the following days) did not turn out as I had planned. Instead we made travel arrangements. I was really hoping that we'd be able to finish up our last minute stuff and house preparing for the Home Study visit, but alas, after a teary-eyed breakdown, I was forced to realize that it just wasn't meant to be.

My hubband is so very encouraging. He reminded me that this should be a happy time with as little stress as possible and that one week or two weeks would not put a kink in God's plan. The Lord is in charge of our adoption and He is certainly in charge of time! (Sometimes I really need to be reminded of this...)

We've rescheduled for the end of the month with our Social Worker which does change some things. For instance, we're not meeting my goal of March 1. Again, my timing doesn't matter so it's ok. We're still going to get our perfect baby so it's ok. Clearly I just need a refresher course in patience.

My dear blogbuddies, thank you so much for your encouragement and support over the last few days. I'll come back and read it again in a week or so. I'll need it again as I now thing with the extra time I'm going to try and finish 1-2 more projects around the house. Painting our bathroom and landscaping the front yard. I know, get real, right? I need something to keep me preoccupied.

If you've been around since the first posts, you know that our adoption is not a secret, but our timing is a surprise. We have planned to wait until the paperwork is in to let the cat out of the bag. A handful of friends know that we've started the process (we needed letters of rec. and prayers) but mostly, everyone just thinks we're going to start later this summer. Now that we're nearly finished with the paperwork, we're trying to come up with fun or inventive ways of telling our family and friends. I need some suggestions.

Gimmie all you got.

Hit me with your best shot!

heavy, heavier, light!

As the last day of November, and the last day of Adoption Awareness Month, I wanted to share a few more facts about Ethiopia specifically.

--Between 60-150 million kids live on the streets.

--Half the children in Ethiopia will never attend school.

--82% of the population lives on less than $1 a day.

--1 in 10 children die before their first birthday.

A sweet friend of mine Misty was looking up some advertisements for a class one day and found this. It hangs on my fridge as a constant reminder.

Already we are told how "lucky any baby would be" to land a spot in our family. And even now, before we have a child or even a referral, I know that we are the ones who would be lucky. I already love our child so much!

Speaking of things that I hear a lot, Hannah, who owns the little shop I sometimes get pedicures from had a baby earlier this year and is always encouraging me to have one. She often jokes about this special Vietnamese Herbal Tea that I can drink and presto, I'd be pregnant. Well, today she spent an hour telling me about someone she knows who is looking to have someone adopt her baby. Hannah said she instantly thought of me and apparently told this woman my whole life story. This is pretty funny to me, but is also really encouraging because at first Hannah didn't understand why we'd want to adopt. (Adoption is our first choice.) Seeing how excited she was about "finding a baby for us" helps me to see that people can come around. Which is good, since some of my family is still really confused as to why we would want an African baby when we are clearly not African. It's my sincerest prayer that the Lord changes their hearts before we have a referral, but if not, I know that He will be glorified even more when they fall to pieces over the baby we bring home.

Ok, one more gushy ad to make this post totally over the edge.

And finally, something a little lighter because I think this post was a little too heavy. This is my pal Sarah (l) and me (r) being... well, ourselves. Enjoy.